Wow – I really am having an interesting time going over my writings from the past. I don’t remember writing them all. I can see that I failed to introduce even one character of the play called myself. Perhaps that’s for the best! 😉 When I read these entries I am kind of torn between thinking that I was completely deluded when writing it or on the other hand, I was 100% right. As for the characters – I think I will keep them under my hat for the time being. The reason I blog these entries is because I feel it gives an insight into mental illness and someone somewhere might not feel alone. I don’t quite know how I got so off track but who knows maybe those characters will appear in a coherent way in this blog some time.
August 11th 2018
I’m going to introduce you to some of the characters whom perform in the play that is my life.
Of course it’s a play, it must be, to have so many different characters all vying for attention. There’s over a dozen of them and they all influence the finest details of my existence. Some of these characters have been with me for so long I no longer know where they end and I start. That sense of I is something that I have chased for several decades, yet somehow amongst all the chaos I have been firm in my belief that I AM. I’m not talking about my ego – no, ego is raging through all the characters in my play. Meanwhile I’m here noticing it all, trying to deal but still stay firmly with my feet on the ground. It might sound like crazy talk to you. I feel like that whenever I think about religion. All the make believe nonsense about being good so you can go to heaven. Obey your husband. Fuck off to hell if you are non heterosexual. Don’t even get me started on the patriarchal bullshit. Yeah that’s real crazy shit right there.
The sense of SELF that I am talking about is simply the undeniable fact that I AM – I’m made of matter and when I die, I will still be matter just in another form – even ash is matter. Everything in our world is matter. Therefore – we are all matter. So yeah, we’re all going to end up being the same stuff in the end. Do good because you want to. Make a difference because it matters – not because you believe you’ll be rewarded in heaven.