Dear John and Di

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I really liked you Di. By the time I met you I was living on the street and spending my days in the Goldie pub. The first time I saw you, you were on a bar stool in the pool room nodding in and out. When you were ‘with it’ you were friendly and I could tell you had a good heart. But you were really fucked up. The heroin was eating you alive. I was about 14. You were in your late twenties I think.

You told me about a guy who I thought was your boyfriend in Boggo Road jail. He was being released and needed to be picked up. But you were shitfaced and asked could I drive up to Brisbane and get him. I hadn’t really driven before but I said yes. It was terrifying. John was waiting when I got there and took over the driving. We got talking and he told me you guys used to be together but were now just friends.

I realised after a while that it was your addiction that kept you attached to each other. Even after I became John’s girlfriend we all lived together and did various jobs to keep the money coming in to support our habit. I can’t even remember how John talked me into having heroin even though you tried to talk me out of it. I do remember the first time though – absolute bliss, absolute peace. Until then all I had done was a couple of joints/bongs, some glue sniffing and chroming. This was a whole other level.

But John, I should have listened to Di – she kept telling me to get away from both of you before it was too late. She kept warning me that you were not how I perceived you to be. I ignored her because I felt we were connected. You should have known better though, you were twelve years older than me.

Di was the sex worker who brought in most of the money, I was the drug dealer (just dope) and you were the thief – but you were lazy and you took advantage of Di – because you knew deep down that she was still in love with you.

When we were living in the motel and she fell from the balcony from the second floor, I had an awful butterfly feeling in my gut that she hadn’t really fallen. She wasn’t smacked out – we had not even hit up yet. I didn’t learn until much later that you had pushed her.

You guys were fighting because Di was angry with you for organising for me to do an armed robbery with you at a shop down the road. We had been casing the place for a while. You told me it would be all bluff and the woman would just hand the money over and we’d be able to get our own place and more smack.

I remember you used to leave our needles in the bathroom but I would move them to the windowsill outside the bathroom window so I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed when my friend would visit. And also the cops wouldn’t find them.

Then one night my good friend ‘Bones’ (that was his nickname) was walking me home because he was worried about me. I was really high. Then before too long a cop car pulled right up onto the footpath in front of us. I remember laughing because – well dramatic much? The cops yelled something at us and I laughed again and he held a gun to my temple. I laughed again because I was so out of it.

I kept telling them to leave you there because you had nothing to do with any of it. You weren’t a junkie and you were just looking out for me. But they still took you back to our motel room and bashed the crap out of you trying to get information you didn’t have. They had also bashed the crap out of John.

I got locked up that night and was left in the lock up a week before being transported to the juvenile detention centre. I lost contact with you Bones but I thought of you often.

After I got out of Juvi I was back with John but Di was cleaning her act up and didn’t want us hanging around. We ended up with a new crowd but it wasn’t long before I got locked up again. This time however when I got out I found out you’d moved on with one of my friends.

I also found out you had gone ahead with that robbery and you had severely bashed that old woman. You were out on bail and your new girlfriend was already knocked up. All I could think was thank fuck I wasn’t with you. I remembered the stupid things we did together. Ram raiding the chemist, stealing from everywhere and getting more and more addicted.

You were very good at manipulating me. Of course you were – you were ‘older and wiser.’

But my last stay in juvi I was forced to get off the smack cold turkey so I came out a different person – different in that I was no longer a junkie – but I was still very damaged.

You went to jail for the robbery and I supported my pregnant friend. She stood by you and you still let her down. You betrayed her and you were a useless father – in fact you were not a father at all.

I’m glad we parted ways. Unfortunately I just went on to meet another loser.

I still had a lot to learn.

Peace xx

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