I just found my journal from about a year ago. I can see that I have ripped the first ten or so pages out. I know I do that quite a bit. Rip notes apart, get rid of blogs, delete Facebook and Instagram and all kinds of things to shut myself away from all the outside ‘noise’.
The following is from one session of writing. I was cycling for weeks so my mind at times seemed deluded and other times quite normal (to me anyway)
I decided to write the notes I wrote word for word- exact puncuation and paragraphs. It might help those who don’t understand bipolar enough or help someone suffering to know they are not alone.
Self medictaed – always (opiods, Diaz, Codeine etc – (heroin, booze younger days)
Taking all the super
Giving up workand moving to Hervey Bay
Business ventures etc.
Sexual prom. when younger
building the universe
obseeively houseproud or not at all. Angry when others try to do it.
can’t stick to jobs – find excuses
loves the dogs now fucking hate them all
obsessions not matter the cost or the risk
living a life more exhausting
writing a book with manic exuberance and depressed and all the moods all the moods the moods
Like Hannah Gadsby – tired of the hiding, tired of the fighting – just tired.
treated as a teen as if I was schizophrenic – padded cells the works, chemical restraint etc
do a simple chart of drugs and what they are – antidepressants stimulants stabilsers etc – amphetimines are antidepresants
Bipolar is my disease it’s not my idnetity
ANXIETY – benzos sleep patterns hypomania (they work I can DEAL with addiction side of things That is not mania taling I AM SOLID
I can’t remember much at all about school life, friends and family things. Did drugs cuase memory loss? I guess I’ll never know.
I fell like everyone is waiting for my mood to lift the darkness totake a break and for the laughter and fun to resume. But it never lasts and I know this is how life is.
The darkness of my depression paves a path to anger, sadness, deep despair and complete emotional and physical withdrawal. I struggle to function on a day to day basis, can’t seem to moilise myself from bed or if I do it;s to make endless cups of tea or coffee and crawl back into bed and go deeper into the darkness of my thoughts. my thoughts to the hows and wheres of killing myself and only having just enough of my functioning self to do the caring role or the ‘someone needs you’ role – but even now that ability is getting less and less. Hence my move towards seeking some more help – help that I still insist on having control of and feeling like a valid human being and not just a ‘mad bitch’ as one cop called me as he picked me up and threw me into the padded cell at the watchouse. that watchouse how I remember the learing, deviant looks from those cops and their opinion of the one many who was tring to help me – the social worker was apparently a ‘faggot’ for trying to help the ‘mad bitch’. And remember #NOTALLMEN are cunts. – just most.
When I raged I think I terrified those around me – especially my kids because of course throughout all of these years if madness I’ve married had babies friendships and businesses and not one aspect of my life has not been touched by the beautiful beast – it’s a formiddable beast – the beauty isn’tinsdie the beast – it’s in me. I am the treausre to be found in all that. so i must be the beast.
bipolar is either romantised or (whatever word for ostrasisedetc) aand that in deself is bipolarity so aren’t we all a bit mad. isn’t that what every cunt says. we are all mad. it’s ok because we all go through it. fucking idiots no you don’t all go through it – you have a cunt of a day, you get anxiety sometimes, you feel sad one day, you greive a death – but unless you are fucking overtaken by a madness you have no fucking xclue what it is like.
when i can escuse my mood swings, mania and deep depression as other more socially acceptable ailemts then people are mostly supportibe becaue it meand i am going to get better. and patient but even ‘coming ‘out; to my husband has alreadu casued more conflict because he just cant understnad its a fucking madness that i can’t control. The the flipside is fuckig Tom Wootton or whatever the fuck his name is dsays it’s bipolar DIS order and not bipolar In order – mind you the prick wants you to hand out your wallet in order to get that fabulous information – fuck him too. Me – I’m just rtying to stay alive.
calm donw, slow down, too loud, too fast then when it all crashes to a deafening halt – whats wrong? FUCK ME.
Losing time – using timerand it foes off and it an’t have beenthat longbecause i onlu just set the timer up – so where the hell has is the time going. Am I going somehwere whjere am i going and does everyone know i am gone or has my midn just left my body and gone off on its onwn.
Wearing same clothes over and over cos its effort. avoid friends avoid talk, avoid everything andican feel dark shit coming my way again and again and agin. Then FINALLY the sweetness of mania arrives – thank fuck cos shit was getting really scary there for a while and repeat and as we go along we perfect being ok
when i mask the pain then its no wonder others around me fail to notice anything is wrong until it is VERy wrong and still most will not really see it as so perhaps because they do not want to.
Hugo Wolf – to be sure i appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too, before others quite reasonably and it looks as if I felt it too. God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains it’s deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds.
DONNA IF YOU WROTE IT YOU RESEARCHED IT LET IT GO.
turmeric – i gram for depression
BCM-95 helps prevent dementia
body inflammation and gluten – I require LOTS of evidence before I go further
Omega 3 fatty acids must be highly concentrated so you can get to 1000mg of epa per day in two or three pills each day. be at least 60% epa
N-acetylcysteine (NAC) – amino acid subject to lolerance
Thyroid hormone in optimal range
magnesium normally injected and with mood stabiliser but its good for us anyway so why not. look into
Select amino acids – leucine, isoleucine and valine – helps mania
Phosphatidycholine (choline) may reduce severity of depression/mania
Nutrient formula – the propietry one has 36 seperate constituents including chelated minerals, vitamins and trace elements – may redce symtoms of mania and depressed modd and psychosis in bipolar (figure out what the 36 constituents are – must be in the deeper web somewhere) – the vegan smart protein mix has shitloads anyway and I like it – no fillers and crap like all the aussie protein shakes. and i like the taste and i don’t like the textureof other stuff
Reserpine for mania usually with lithium fuck that not doing lithium again
Ketamine for biplar – the addictin me says hell fucking yess
and now the people are here and noone will see them or hear them it will be be and i will have to keep it to myself.
yes im takingmy meds not i’m not yes i am yeah i will. will they work i hop eht work.
Now the pages will get ripped out. It never happened.