Riding the Cycles

Photo credit: PsychCentral

I’ve been cycling for quite a few months now and have been experiencing a level of anxiety that I have not experienced in a very long time. I am more paranoid and I am ‘fast’. Then when the fast stops, the numbness follows. The periods of ‘normal’ seem to have disappeared.

For the last few days I have had the fast and pressured speech. I can’t concentrate, I can’t seem to count or write properly, in fact I’m actually dictating this blog because I can’t write properly. I edit over and over and over until I just think fuck it and end up having to wait until another time.

I’m on holidays with my mum (I am her full time carer) in Victoria and we will be seeing some sights that mum has never seen such as the Great Ocean Road . My best friend has also arranged to be staying nearby so we have 100 cappuccinos 😉

When we got to the airport I found it so stressful trying to check in bags in one area, getting a wheelchair for mum and checking her wheelie walker into another area. Then arriving in Victoria was worse because I now had to get all the baggage, mums walker, a trolley and try and protect mum walking behind me and the trolley. People can be so fucking rude – they see my mum with a wheelie walker and they walk fast knocking her with their bags, getting in front of her etc. I get really pissed and then my anxiety goes from level 1 to level 3 (on a mood chart it is from 0-3). Then my mums’ anxiety increases.

I miss illegal drugs – I really do (particularly heroin) . Of course I can’t take it because I am a carer and because I know what road it takes me down or be able to afford it- but you know what? It’s OK to admit I miss them.

I know my husband loves me but I also know I am hard to live with. I know he will have a really relaxing time without me and I am totally OK with that. I told him that even though he will deny it because he doesn’t want me to feel bad – I know he will have some welcome relief and that I am OK with him telling me that.

My best friend understands that I asked her to come over an hour later than planned because I wasn’t ready and apologised that I wasn’t excited as I should be when I normally see her – she just doesn’t care – she loves me. I wish I could love me like others love me. I wish my head would change it’s thoughts.

I wish I could stay manic and others would accept it as normal and enjoy it as much as I do – but don’t want them to feel as bad as I do when the mania makes me feel really really bad. I wish for a lot of things but most of all I wish the cycles would get a fucking puncture so I could relax for a bit and feel at one with the world.

Peace xx

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