I’ve been in a mixed state of late. Actually I don’t really know what to call it but I keep coming in and out of episodes and then having a good day here and there.
One thing that has been consistent is my total lack of motivation and it’s been going on for quite some time.
Well today hubby and I decided we would do a big clean up before we leave for a one week break. My sister is here to take on the carer role.
Before we even started hubby had asked me was I OK. I told him that I was feeling a bit meh off and on. I specifically asked him before we started doing all the cleaning that if I get stressed and moody to just ignore it. We were doing OK until the new vacuum cleaner lead got caught in the door. I was pissed off by this time as I had been slogging my guts out for over four hours (don’t forget that low motivation level) – but had no idea what he was saying to me about the lead.
Well then he gets all shitty and blurts out “That’s how you break things.” I then yelled at him “Give me one example of when I have broken anything”. He said “Well nothing”. And I replied “Yeah that’s right you fuckwit”. He of course didn’t like being called a fuckwit – I was even more worked up and pissed off at him and so we have spent the night not talking.
I’ve buried myself in the bedroom because my mood has gone where I hate it going so all I want to do is deal with my own head.
All I can think of is our agreement at the start of the day. We are both very aware that my moods are all over the shop and the meds aren’t doing the trick. Should I have called him a fuckwit? I don’t actually care – it’s a word, just like prick, arsehole, idiot etc.
Anyway shortly after, he did what he normally does – went and played a game while I stewed about it all. Real life.