I have blogged for many many years, though during depressive episodes or mania, I have deleted them.
I’m trying my best these days to simply switch everything into draft mode rather than delete it all because I know deep down that the words I wrote came from within me – so are in fact a part of what forms me.
I have been struggling with the concept of my circle for some years and the last few years have finally taught me what I was failing to see.
I have been a people pleaser, a fixer, the go to for help person – yet very few people around me have offered the same in return. I have been used more than I would like to admit. You don’t often notice it because it’s small things. These small things however, build into a big thing.
I have ignored others on the occasions when they have pointed out that they felt I was being used or disrespected. I however would think to myself “No ‘said person’ would do the same thing for me if I needed it.” Or “They aren’t really disrespecting me.”
I was wrong on so many levels. Recently I have been going through a particularly rough time.. I have struggled a great deal while my carer role was stretched beyond measure due to my mum having a very bad injury. I was offered help by very few people.
I also found out my son was in prison and I cut ties with another son because he was so disrespectful to me about mental health – knowing his words would be felt by me. These two issues have affected me greatly.
I ended a friendship that has been a one way street for too long now. This friend, over quite a period of time, disrespected and used me without even being aware of it – while pretending to be ‘supportive’. When I say ‘without being aware of it’ I mean statements made in general conversation that were quite insulting but leaving me feeling it’s not worth saying anything because it just starts a wheel that keeps turning in the same direction – defence.
I only became aware of and acknowledged these things when I was in crisis and realised that I had been forgotten for weeks. This caused me to reflect on the small things that I let pass – but it had already snowballed into a big thing. I have been here before – there are always going to be people where there is no point bringing issues up with, because they deflect, project or reject. I told this friend that I no longer wanted any kind of relationship. I felt no need for and had very little left in the tank mentally for any explanations.
I have supported people who needed it – going out of my way as a carer for them. I have also apologised to friends, telling them I’m sorry for not always being ‘present’ or ‘available’ but wanted them to know that I do value them. I have asked friends and family for understanding and been granted that respect by most. A few extended family members I have let know in no uncertain terms that I wish to have no relationship with at all.
My circle may be small but it has genuinely caring people who intuitively know when it’s time for their street, my street or the whole damn highway together. We’re in it together for real.
I have just enjoyed a short holiday with my husband, daughter and grandson. A much needed break. I injured myself while away and it gave me a couple of days in a fully beachfront apartment, listening to the rolling waves and grounding into myself. Awakening into the realisation that I have a circle with my very close people, a playground for acquaintances – one where I am willing to welcome them into my circle over time and when trust is built. Then there is the footpath for those I mentally wish well as they go on their own journey that no longer includes me.