I have been feeling quite a few ‘fuck it’ days lately and have mentioned to my family that I think my meds may need some adjustment.
The problem with that however is we forget that meds are not a cure, they just take the edge off, make our illness a bit more bearable.
I know I am still going to experience deep dark depression and depressive mania as well as high end explosive mania. Right now it’s the depression. Not the deep dark hole but I think that’s because I am distracted somewhat by my role as a carer and I try to just sit with it and tell myself that this will pass. I try to simply hang on and go in.
I retreat when I am depressed (don’t we all?) and I tend to not want to talk about it because – well because it doesn’t achieve anything. My brain is simply working on a different frequency and I just wait for the damn channel to change.
When I have these days (and there have been quite a few lately) my family ask how I am and I respond by saying “I’m having a head fuck day.” So they tend to leave me be and let me just chill and go at my own speed – of which there is none!
Sometimes I decide I have to get out of my head and I get mum in the car and go Geocaching. We both enjoy it and it gets us both out of the house. But to be perfectly honest sometimes it takes all of my effort to get out of bed. I have gotten over the guilt trips about what isn’t done around the place or what anyone thinks of it.
If I spend days on end in my PJ’s that’s my prerogative. Getting dressed doesn’t make me feel better – it makes me feel more restricted. My issues with taste, texture and a million other things means I can’t stand wearing clothes that are a normal fit etc. Yes autism spectrum – another thing I really don’t care about. I accept how I am.
When I have fuck it days I will either binge watch shows, crochet, draw or colour in. I will chat to a select few people online or I will go quiet – it’s never predictable behaviours from me but they are certainly familiar to others who know me.
I send so much love to those of you out there who don’t have the opportunities that I have. Those of you who have to haul your arse out of bed and get to work, look after kids or whatever. I care for my mum but at least we can stay home when I am at my worst. So here’s a a big hello and ‘fuck it’ it for all of you out there having the dark days.