The concept of sitting with oneself has been the path for many spiritualists and that applies to me too. I do believe in the concept of sitting within, going in or just looking at the truth inside of oneself.
I have been deeply depressed for some time now but have as usual tried to keep my game face on as often as I felt I needed to and then after a time I realised I don’t have to do that. I can actually go to my doctor and tell them that I feel like hanging myself.
Of course the expected talk therapy happened but there was a shift inside of me that was quite fearless and accepting of death. That’s not to say that I feel like that each day – but that particular day I did. So my doctor doubled my meds.
I have had to quiet the mind, turn away from social media and just be able to do my daily tasks with more joy, read and actually remember what I have read. My carer role is easier when I have this attitude and I feel peaceful.
My aggression and pressured speech feel like they are slipping away for now and all I can do is stay in the now and accept what is happening in each moment. No worrying about how long it will last. Just staying present and aware of my own thoughts and feelings.
I’ve recently posted about how I ended a friendship by simply stating that we have different ideas on what friendship means. That is the truth, no accusations, no blame and certainly no ill will. Simply a reminder of boundaries because I knew my mental capacity was at an all time low.
I am recognising and following through with my own ideas of self worth and honesty about my Bipolar disorder. I have no room for ‘one foot in’ people. So having said that, it means that I can’t be ‘one foot in’ when it comes to myself.
I’m branching out in different ways – ways that I denied myself capable of in the past or felt I wasn’t good enough to do. Today I didn’t feel like hanging myself. I felt excited about preparations to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.
For me, there will always be major depression, mania and all kinds of stuff that happens in life and life itself is something I can choose to treasure or throw away – today I didn’t want to throw it away.